Legolas and Gimli's Caribbean Adventure
by GelliBean
Summary: Everyone's favorite elf and dwarf board the SS Middle Earth for a week-long cruise! But what do the lembas-loving travel agents have planned...?
1. The SS Middle Earth

Disclaimer:  I only own Laurie and the other travel agents!  I own nothing LotR!   (Or Austin Powers, for that matter)

A/N:  Just for the record, this is FANFICTION.  If I completely mutilate Tolkien's characters suck it up and deal with it.  I don't want to get flames complaining of "Legolas is almost 3000 years old!  He would never…blahdy blahdy blah…" I DON'T CARE.  It's my fanfic, and by George, I'll write it the way I want to write it!  *gets off soapbox*   Now, this was written when I had 4 free hours and had nothing better to do.  The fic does brush into some Austin Powers-like plot, but that was just my brain on a half-pound of granola (I should really cut back on that stuff…).  Sorry in advance--Ellie

Chapter One- The SS Middle Earth

"I'm, like, so totally spiffed out!"  Legolas squealed as he and his comrade boarded the SS Middle Earth.

Gimli trudged along behind him with a disapproving look.  "I don't see why you need me here."

"Giiiiiiiiiimliiiiiii!" Legolas turned and pouted down at him. "You're going to loooooove it!  Lookie!" The elf tossed his blonde hair and whipped out a brochure given to him by his travel agent.  "See?  A Spa!  And, and, cake!  And, and…" He continued to giggle and obsess as his companion groaned.

Well, after the whole 'Ring-Thingie' (as he calls it), Legolas decided he needed a little break.  He called Aragorn and got the name of his travel agent.  Legolas Greenleaf was directed to Laurie Redmaple and she booked him a cabin for the maiden voyage of the SS M.E.  Legolas had (literally) roped Gimli into joining him so he wouldn't be lonely.  (Laurie was going as well, but she told him she'd be doing 'super-secret travel agent stuff' so he wouldn't see much of her.)

But Gimli felt that cruise ships were a waste of time.  He could be off doing manly things, but instead he was stuck going to 'exotic places' and getting pedicures.  _'Stupid elves.  It's just a ship.  And who's heard of Jamaica, anyway?  And Puerto Rico?  Where the hell is that?!'_

Before he could continue his thought, Gimli was scooped up into Legolas' arms and was juggled as the energetic elf ran around looking for an elevator to get to the floor their cabin was on.  As he jogged, delight was written all over his face as he saw pretty lights, shiny mirrors and hundreds of well-dressed elves milling about the huge space.  When they finally reached a lift, the two friends packed into it. (With most of the occupants giving Gimli mean looks.  Elves can be so racist!  But the dwarf was seeing them upside-down, so from his point of view, they were smiling at him.  Silly Gimli!)  Getting off at floor nine, Legolas continued his former pace and started running down the hall to their left.  

"987, 985, 983, 981!" The elf exclaimed.  He dropped Gimli like a hot potato and searched his pockets for his key card.  The dwarf grumbled and brushed himself off just as Legolas opened the door, but he snapped his head up when the blonde squealed.  "Our luggage is here already!  See, Gummy?" Gimli reddened at the use of his nickname. "We get to be…_pampered_!!!" The elf jumped onto the nearest bed sprawled himself out.  Gimli strutted to the bed his roommate didn't occupy and sat down.  

The covers on the bed were in bright striped colors and the walls were textured.  On the far side of the room was a door that led to the balcony, and a long mirror sat along the wall facing their beds.  "It's…interesting…" Gimli started.

"It's beautiful, Gummy!" Legolas sat back up, his long hair a mess. "Lets explore!  Lets explooooooorrrrrre!" He whined and bounced on the bed. 

Gimli muttered, "You act like you're 3, not 3,000…"  Legolas took that as a 'please-take-me-with-you-Leggy-love!' so he hoisted Gimli onto his back (despite the little man's protests) and skipped merrily out of the room.


	2. The Introduction of the Author…I mean La...

Chapter Two- The Introduction of the Author…I mean Laurie!  

As they exited the cabin, they ran directly into Laurie.  Gimli was dropped again as Legolas and the girl screeched and hugged each other as they jumped up and down.  Leggy loved hugging his travel agent not only because she gave great hugs, but because she always smelled like lembas (his favorite smell!).

Now, there's something to be said about Laurie.  She's from_ 'America'.  Laurie says it's this place where 600 million humans live, but everyone knows she's missing a few marshmallows from her cocoa, so everyone just smiles and nods when she speaks.  _

When Aragorn and Arwen went on their honeymoon, Laurie sent them to some place named _'Hawaii'.  Unfortunately, they had such a good time that they took a million pictures.  Elrond's next council ran for eight extra hours because of Aragorn's god-forsaken slide machine.  Since then, Laurie wasn't welcome in Rivendell. (Elves already live forever, you'd think they'd get used to boredom, sheesh!)  Aragorn still kept her contact information in his Filo-fax, though, in hopes of one day returning to __'Hawaii'._

The two stopped jumping when Gimli cleared his throat.  Legolas blushed and started the introductions. "Laurie, this is my friend Gimli!" He motioned to the little man with chunky braids.  "Gimli, this is Laurie!" 

Gimli growled. "So you're the reason I'm stuck here!"

Laurie nodded vigorously.  "Isn't it _gorgeous?!"_

Legolas squealed again. "I _know_!  We were just gonna go explooooore!  Wanna come? Huh?  Huh?" He jumped up and down like a puppy.

Laurie leaned in and whispered, "Can't!  Super-secret travel agent meeting in five minutes!" She then straitened up, fixed her suit, gave the men a wink and strutted off.

Before Gimli could comment on that weird exchange, Legolas picked Gimli up and took off running again.  From floor nine, he raced up two flights of stairs to the main deck.  Placing Gimli on the blue-carpeted floor, Legolas said in an awe-filled tone, "I give you…" He spun Gimli in a half circle and made a broad motion with his hand. "The all-you-can-eat buffet…"  

He didn't have to say it twice, Gimli already was in line with a plate in his hands. "Legolas!" He called excitedly. "Lift me up!"  The elf pranced to his friend, picked him up, and watched as he started shoveling food onto his plate. "Eggs, bacon…Ooo!  Sausage!  Leggy!  Grab me a croissant!"  The elves in line looked disgustedly at him as he rummaged through the well-set-out food like a barbarian.  

The informal dining room took the entire back of the ship, so all around the many tables and chairs were windows that allowed plenty of light.  The crystal glasses set everywhere gave off glitter-like reflections.  Between that and the elves, the room had an ethereal glow.

"I said _more!  More ham, damnit!" Gimli bellowed at the man cutting ham slices.  He gave a satisfied nod five slices later, and pointed Legolas in the direction of an empty table. _

Legolas turned green with sickness as he watched the dwarf dig into the huge plate of fat.  Putting his hand on his forehead he said, "I'm going to go book a seaweed wrap for tomorrow…Remember, the muster-drill is at seven…" And ran off for fear of the animal toxins getting into his pores as he watched.

"May I help you?" A tall elf-woman said from behind a large, marble desk as Legolas entered the lobby of the spa.  The room had a relaxing blue theme to it.  The floors were tiled with little blue squares of different sizes and shades, and the walls were blue tinted mirrors.  A mini fountain was set up in the corner that had a waterfall appearing out of the wall.

Legolas gave a half bow and replied in a dramatic, regal tone, "_I_…am Legolas Greenleaf, prince of Mirkwood!  I request a seaweed wrap for tomorrow afternoon."

The woman opened a large book and scanned it with her finger. "Is one o'clock to your liking, sir prince?"

"Yes," Legolas nodded. "It is.  And may I ask about your facial package?"


	3. Dr Friskies

Chapter Three- Dr. Friskies

Laurie entered the lounge that the 'travel agent' meeting was to be held in.  The room smelled just like her lembas perfume, and there were already many other agents hanging about with their daiquiris and pina coladas in the oriental-themed lounge.  Raising her arm, a waiter came to her with a tray of frozen drinks.  She picked one and found an empty seat on a couch near the front of the room.  Just as she sat, the lights dimmed a bit and a hush went over the room.  From the red carpet between the rows of sofas,  a balding man was rolled up in a wheelchair to the barely-raised stage at the front of the room by a younger man.  A Chihuahua sat on his lap and he gently stroked it as the younger man adjusted the microphone.

"Hello travel agents of Middle Earth!" He spoke clearly into the microphone. "I am Dr. Friskies.  I'm sure many of you are wondering why you were asked to come on the ship this week.  All shall be revealed!"  Dr. Friskies was Middle-Earth's head travel agent.  He monitored all travel related activities and was the president of the Greatest Travel Agents of Middle Earth Club.  A chart was rolled onstage and set next to Dr. Friskies who was then handed a yardstick.  Everyone in the room jumped when he slapped the chart with his stick.  "Everyday of the year, we spend hours on the phone with our customers, with the cruise-lines, with the air-lines, and for what?  A measly 20 dollar commission?" 

There were grunts of affirmation from all around.  

"We work hard to provide relaxing vacations for our elvish customers, while we get the hassle!" 

The sounds were louder this time. 

"For years our kind have kept the elves of Middle Earth happy with exotic and extravagant getaways!  I say we get some REAL commission!" He flipped the blank page of the chart over and there was a picture of a less-than-half-dressed she-elf in a naughty position. "OH!  Sorry, wrong picture!" he flipped that page to reveal a glossy photo of none other than, "THE PRINCE OF MIRKWOOD!!!"  Dr. Friskies dog and every agent in the room jumped again when he yelled.

Laurie stood up and walked to the front of the stage. "Miss Redmaple," Dr. Friskies motioned to her. "Has lured Legolas Greenleaf to the ship.  On the fifth day of our excursion, when we're in Jamaica, he will be taken to a nearby beach.  When he returns, instead of taking him to customs, we will take him to a cell in the bottom of the ship.  We will keep him there until Thranduil Greenleaf, king of Mirkwood, pays us…" Dr. Friskies put his left pinkie up to his mouth. "One million lembas!"  He broke into evil villain laughter with all of the other agents in the room.  

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

But one agent spoke up, after the 'Mwahahas' were over. "I thought lembas were a Lothlorien thing!"

The doctor growled. "Details, details!" He continued petting his little dog before picking his speech back up. "I called only you agents, because you are the best of the best!  You go above and beyond when it comes to pleasing your clients!  You deserve more than you've gotten!  You shall taste elvish whey-bread!" He yelled, sending his audience into a fit of cheers as they whipped out bottles of lembas perfume and cologne and sprayed it about the room.

(A/N:  Sorry about the whole Friskies thing.  I was going to give him a better name, but I couldn't think of one, and my cat's Ocean Whitefish kitty treats were sitting next to me [no, NOT because I was eating them!] so I just typed in Friskies after the Dr.!) 


	4. The Muster Drill

Chapter Four- The Muster Drill 

At six thirty, our two heroes were in their cabin, desperately trying to get their bright orange life preservers on.  Well, they were trying to get Gimli's on.  Every time they'd snap the straps on, and as Legolas tried to wrap the velcro strip around, Gimli would shout "NOT THE BEARD!" because it kept getting stuck to it.  So with one arm, Leggy had to hold the beard up while looping the strip around the dwarf.  When they were done, Gimli's head looked like one big pile of fur.  Not only was his hair more knotty than usual, he insisted on having all of it about the life-vest, so the dwarf had it piled high.

"We're to be at station…12C!" Legolas cheered as he led Gimli down the hall by his beard.  He skipped happily (and Gimli ran as he tried to keep up) through the sliding doors and down the deck, past the elves already at their separate stations.  The air was moist and hot so most of the elves had a red flush to their faces and glared at the energy of the two.  To Legolas' surprise, Laurie was already at 12C.  "Laurie!" Legolas dropped Gimli's beard and opened his arms wide.

"Legolas!" Laurie opened her arms as well, and they ran to each other to jump up and down and hug again.  Gimli tried to walk in the direction of the sounds, but he ended up walking into the low wall of the deck.

"Gummy!  You're so silly!" Legolas grabbed the dwarf's facial hair again and pulled him back to where they stood.  "So how was the super-secret travel agent meeting, Laurie?"

"Shh!" She put a finger over her mouth. "It's a secret!"

More elves crowed around, and by seven o'clock there were about twenty.  An elf dressed in a clean, white uniform came to the front of them with a clipboard and checklist in hand.  "Cabin 977?"

"Here!"

"Here!"  

The elf nodded at the two honeymooners.  "Cabin 979?" He bellowed.

"Here!"

"Here!"  

He nodded in the direction of those elves before going back to his list.  "Cabin 981?"

"Here!!!" Legolas waved his arm cheerfully.

A muffled 'Here!" came from below the elves.

The director looked at the group. "Where?"

"Here!" Gimli tried again, still stuck behind his braids and the tall elves around him.

"I'm sorry sir, where are you?"

Gimli pushed to the front of the crowd. "HERE!!!"  The elf shrank back in horror while Gimli grumbled under his breath about elves and their love for high heels.

Once all of the cabins and their occupants had been accounted for, they waited for the final announcement so they could go back to their rooms.  Gimli immediately stripped off his life jacket and grabbed onto the bottom of Legolas' tunic. (Elves all look the same from their waist down; he didn't want to get lost.)  They waded their way through the throngs of elves on deck and in the hallways until they reached their room.

Legolas bounced into the room and immediately started rummaging through his suitcase.  "Time for dinner!  We need to get all clean _and_ yummy smelling _and pretty looking!  Yay!"  He pulled out a silver tunic with embroidered leaves and blue leggings.  "I'm going to go bathe __and brush my hair __and prettify myself!" Legolas skipped off to their bathroom._

Gimli had barely stepped inside the room, and his head was spinning from whatever the hell his roommate just said.  Deciding that he would probably be skewered if he wasn't half-decent by the time Legolas got out of the bathroom, he opened his own suitcase.   When he did, he held back a furious yell.  Legolas had switched all of his ratty old clothes with…with…with…ELVISH CHILDREN'S WEAR!!  'Baby Gap of Rohan' was stitched on all of the pastel colored tunics and leggings.  There was even a mini tuxedo with a top hat and walking stick.  

Gimli pulled out the hairbrush that had been planted in his luggage, and cried as he started to untangle his hair.

((A/N:  I didn't explain what a muster drill was for fear of insulting your intelligence.  I didn't know what it was until I went on my own cruise, but basically, it's like an emergency drill.))


	5. Gimli Goes Gapy

Chapter Five- Gimli Goes Gap-y 

Legolas was truly amazing.  He managed to calm Gimli down, get him dressed, get a comb through his hair, and still manage to look marvelous himself.  It turned out, that all of the outfits that were put in Gimli's luggage were miniatures of Legolas'.  So the two walked into the elegant main dining room dressed exactly alike.  (Of course Leggy looked better!)  Legolas had also used a blow-dryer to straiten Gimli's hair, then slick it back and put it into a fishtail braid (Just like his).  Dinner was rather uneventful except for ship's departing from the dock and the many stares the two received.  So much had happened already that day, so the two comrades decided to go to bed early and hit the dance club another night.

When Legolas woke up in the morning, Gimli was already gone.  A note was by the phone that said, _'9:30, went to get breakfast, will be there to 11.  Hugs'n'kisses.  Gimli.'_ Legolas just smiled and went to go get dressed.  He was ready in under an hour (for once) and had left the room by 10:45.  He jogged though the hallway and up the stairs to the buffet area and expected to find Gimli by the sounds of guzzling orange juice and sloshing pig parts about in his mouth, but he had to follow the disgusted stares of the elves in the room, because Gimli wasn't eating as he usually was…  To Legolas' immense surprise Gimli was dressed in a red fleece-pullover, khakis, and a pair of white trainers that were dangling over the tall seat.  (It just happened to be the same outfit Legolas was wearing.)  The elf just stared for a moment at his suddenly preppy friend before pulling his mouth off the floor and walking to greet him.

"Hello, friend!" Legolas sat down in the seat across from Gimli.

Gimli looked up from his plate and placed his fork down and said, "Good morning sleepy ears!" before taking another small bite of his fruit salad. 

Legolas eyed his food oddly. "So what are you doing today?"

The dwarf shrugged. "I thought I'd play some miniature golf sometime after lunch.  Until then I thought I'd get myself a tan.  They have some _'Caribbean Calypso'_ band on deck."  He paused. "I'm not quite sure what that is, but it sounds interesting enough."

His companion nodded. "I'm going to the spa at one.  Would you want to come?" Legolas asked hopefully. 

Gimli beamed. 'That sounds splendid, chap!  I'd love to accompany you!"

Legolas adored this new change in his normally gruff and dirty friend. "We could go to the salon on deck 10, too!  The hairstylist is said to perform miracles!"

"Ooh!  I'd love to do something new with my hair." Gimli thought a moment. "Possibly something like yours."

After their seaweed wraps (which Gimli thoroughly enjoyed) , the boys sauntered down to the salon wearing only their white bathrobes.  They didn't need to wait more than a minute when they entered the studio before they were whisked away by a gorgeous man and were seated next to each other in adjustable seats.  They made girlie small-talk until two elves entered the massive room.

"Ooo!" The room's newest occupants giggled and ran to Legolas. "Your hair is so…_perfect_…" 

Legolas just waved his hand at them. "My friend here was hoping for the same style."

The stylists turned to Gimli startled, for they hadn't even noticed him sitting there.  "Oh…my…_word_…" One said.  

"We _need_ to get started!" The other yelled. "Right away!"

One set about to shaving Gimli's beard while the other attacked his mane with a brush.  As this was happening, a beautiful elf woman entered and led Legolas to the hair-washing station on the other side of the room.  Gimli grunted now and then when his stylists reached a knot, but after a half an hour of ripping at it, his hair was half manageable and face, silky smooth. (Legolas had gotten his trim and finished last month's issue of Cosmo already.)  Gimli's hair was then washed, bleached, and then given a strait perm.  A few more minutes of styling and Gimli strutted to the waiting room with his new 'do; his stylists following proudly.

Legolas audible gasped.  It wasn't Gimli anymore!  "EEEEEEAAAA!!!" The elf squealed at the top of his lungs and opened his arms wide.

"EEEEEEAAAA!" Gimli yelled back in a much deeper voice, and ran into Legolas' arms (Well, more like his legs, but Leggy's arms reached down for him.)

Legolas took a step back and turned them to a mirror on their right.  There they were.  Same hair.  Same robe.  Same glossy look to their eye.  "This is soooooo _awesome!  You _so_ need a new name!  I think I'll call you…" Legolas paused dramatically. "Mini-Me!" _

After thanking the stylists profusely, the two comrades sauntered down the stairs to their cabin. 


	6. “I’m going to die someday…”

((A/N: *giggles like a maniac* I have reviewers!!  *huggles*))

Chapter Six- My name is Bob, and I'm incredibly wealthy

After changing into swim trunks and fisherman hats, Legolas and Mini-Me bounced happily to the main deck.  The dwarf adored his new strait, blond, shiny, and tangle-free hair, so he kept tossing it behind his shoulder dramatically.  The only difference between the two was height…and Gimli's horribly hairy chest.  Once stepping outside, their eyes adjusted to the brightness of the sun and they saw the hundreds of elves milling about on the wooden deck.  Surprisingly, they found two open deck chairs right near the stage.  The calypso band was setting up as they rubbed suntan lotion all over themselves ((A/N: Hey Leggy!  I'll do your back!!! *drools*  Shirtless and covered in oily lotion…yummy….maybe I should make him wear a Speedo next time… "Hey Leggy, I'll do your inner thighs…" ^_-)), and just as they lay back to start on their tans, the band started playing.  The two shot back up from their sitting position and stared wide-eyed at the men in brightly colored shirts playing queer instruments and a melody they'd never heard before.  What was this interesting type of music?

_"Lets get together and feeeeeel alllriiight…"_

After getting over the shock, they lay back down on the towels that had magically appeared on their chairs, and fell asleep.  They awoke a few hours later with the last notes of the last calypso song.  A perky blond in a blue shirt and khaki shorts bounced onto the stage and replaced them.

"Hi!" She squealed. "I'm Kiki, your assistant cruise director, and it is now time for…" she paused before yelling into her microphone, "THE HAIRY CHEST CONTEST!!!" The women in the crowd cheered and cheered.  "Now, I'm looking for four men with hairy, and I mean _hairy_, chests!  You sir," she pointed at a human.  "How about you?" The people with him hooted and hollered as he jogged to the mini stage.  "And you!" She pointed at another shirtless human. "And you!  And…_Oh my!  You!" She swung around and pointed at Mini-Me._

He jumped up and squealed along with Leggy. "Oooh!  _Me?"_

"Yes, you!" Kiki waved him up to the stage and lined up the three men and the dwarf.  "Now, we'll need a judge!  You, ma'am!" The overly bubbly assistant cruise director pulled a freakishly pale elf woman onto the stage who gave the line of men a sultry look.  "Now here's how we play," turning to the contestants, Kiki continued. "First you must dance your way across the stage to our lovely judge.  Then, you must give her your best pickup line.  Finally, she'll run her hands through your chest hair and give you a hairy-rating from 1-10." She turned back to the crowd. "All ready?!"  The crowed screamed and cheered more (with Legolas being the loudest).  

The first human, for lack of a better term, 'shook his groove thing' all the way across the stage before doing a Britney Spears-like bust-shimmy in front of the bored judge. "You're ears are pointy and upright…just like something on _my_ body…" The elf turned up her nose at him and the crowd booed.  

When she felt up his chest, she said dully into the microphone, "I give him a three." The crowd booed more.

The next human did a one-man conga line to the she-elf before kneeling down and saying in a pitiful voice, "I'm going to die someday…" and sticking out his bottom lip.  There was a collective "Awwww…" from the elves in the crowd accompanied by some sniffles and a "That's so _sad" or two.  The judge gave him a seven on the hairy-scale._

The last human before Gimli's turn moonwalked across the stage before dipping the judge and saying in a husky voice, "My name is Bob, and I'm incredibly wealthy."  

The crowd went wild.  

"Pick him!" "Give 'em a ten", and "Whoooooooo!" was heard from all directions.  The elf woman felt his chest hair and twisted her mouth.  "I'll give him a nine…"  More cheers.

Gimli got nervous.  That would be a tough act to beat, but he felt that he could do better if he nailed the delivery.  So when Kiki motioned to him to start dancing, Gimli waltzed elegantly across the stage.  Upon reaching the judge, he motioned to her to come down to his level with the microphone and he said in his baritone voice, "Being waist height has its advantages…" Both the elf's and every other mouth in the audience dropped as they realized the meaning behind this.  After 10 seconds of total silence, they broke out into screams and shouts that could be heard four decks down.  Gimli smiled smugly and purred as the elf's long fingers felt his fur.

"I GIVE HIM A TEN!" The she-elf yelled into the microphone as the crowd continued to cheer.

When the noise finally died down, Kiki bounced up to the front of the stage next to Gimli.  She wrapped a white sash that said 'Mr. Hairy Chest' around Gimli (and tied the end that was dragging on the ground into a knot to make it shorter), and handed him a little gold-colored plastic trophy.  "Now ladies, if you see Mr. Hairy Chest anytime on this cruise ship and you ask to see his chest, he must take off his shirt and let you feel him up!"  The women of the crowed cheered even louder.  Gimli smiled proudly and waved to his loyal subjects.  As he left the stage, before he could get to Legolas he was bombarded by both human and elf women who ripped his shirt off and ran their hands through his chest hair as they dragged him away.

_'Oh well,'_ Gimli thought. _'Leggy can find me later.  For now, duty calls!  Yippee!'_


End file.
